My so-called journal.

October 2nd 2007. 9:30am.

2007-10-02T13:33:46Z

Gosh I've been stressed out so much lately. There's so much stuff going on and I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions sometimes. I don't even want to get into any of it. I just feel like hiding and crawling into a hole and sleeping till it feels safe again. I suppose what I'm craving now is some peace in my life. It's there sure, but sometimes the universe just goes out of whack for a litle bit.

Devin is doing well and enjoying school. He's excited about Halloween coming up but isn't sure what he wants to be yet. We'll see.

Yesterday was by far the worst day I'd ever had at work. I was just really stressed out, running around, and tired. It was slam packed with people in the lobby, I was the expediter expediting food and there was just so much food coming out that orders were missing from down the line, wrong ingrediants put on items, and my boss was about to explode. Then the other girls were giving me dirty looks, I hadn't gone to bed till 4:30am, only to have to get up a 7. I wanted to just cry. I got some decent sleep last night and am feeling much better this morning but there's so much looming around that I'm worrying about and it's not good for me. I'm going to make plans to get out of the house this weekend and do something fun. Maybe I'll grab a buddy and go up to Atlanta to walk around and take photos. Anyone interested, let me know. I could use some distractions.

Have a great day guys. It's beautiful outside. :)

peircing_swords @ 2007-10-01T15:47:00

2007-10-01T19:50:09Z

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't written anything. I've just been having an odd month and not really getting much sleep when I do lay down.

I had one big pile of steamy bad day today. So I'm gonna change, get Dev started on his homework and lay down. Poo.

Hi, Hello, Hola, Aloha.

2007-09-11T22:15:00Z

Hey guys. I haven't had much to share lately so forgive me. I've been working, living life, and hanging out with my boy. Nothing really interesting to write about. I might be going up to spend the weekend with my parents this weekend, so I won't be online from Friday evening sometime till Sunday night. Mom got her internet shut off. We'll see.

In other news, I can't get this damned song out of my head. Download it, turn it up loud, and picture me getting speeding tickets as I fly to work with this blasting in my ears. I'm a dork. :P

Matchbox 20 "How far we've come" lyrics.

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone.
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
and I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye.
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

chorus:
But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know.
Then I can't remember caring for an hour or so.
Started crying and i couldn't stop myself.
I started running but there's no where to run to.
i sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell.
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to.

But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!

It's gone gone baby its all gone.
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home.
It was cool cool, it was just all cool.
Now it's over for me and it's over for you.
Well its gone gone baby its all gone.
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home.
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool.
Now it's over for me and it's over for you.

But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!

Work, updates, and me sitting around in my pajamas.

2007-09-05T21:55:35Z

I'm sitting here at the moment wishing I could get my limewire to load because I have a million songs in my head that I'd like to download. Ugh. I'm manually downloading Windows Service Pack two, sine my updater isn't working. It's a 256MB file and so far I've got 20.6MB. It might be tomorrow late sometime before it finishes. OMG!! I just tried to open Limewire and it's running! I'm so happy. Scratch those last comments. Yay! Now to get my Yahoo running again, and I'll be in business.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty quiet today because I have a few things on my mind. I'd much rather keep them to myself at the moment because it's something that I've already hashed over and it's best left in my mind rather than out here for others to read.

There's this girl at work who I think hates me. I'm not sure why or what I've done, but others that I work with have told me that I shouldn't worry because she has a huge chip on her shoulder, and some well known emotional issues to go with it. The other day she pretty much cussed her best friend out for going out to smoke with me. I felt awful. Today I was walking around and cleaning and singing and she passed by me and rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath. I just smiled and went on my way. Sad thing is that my boss is leaving for a cruise tomorrow morning and won't be back till Tuesday of next week and he's leaving her in charge while he's gone. Luckily, Friday and Saturday are the only remaining two days of this week that I'll work. I just don't get it. Everyone who's reding this that truly knows me knows that I don't make female friends easily. I've always had a problem with having friends who were girls. They either act like the girl at work towards me, or I don't ever let them get close enough for there to be a really meaningful relationship. Most of the girls at work are pretty nice and I go out of my way to talk to them, to have conversations with them, and to try to fit in. Even to the one who has issues. But she still walks around rolling her eyes at me, grabbing things I'm doing and taking over, and acting like a huge brat. I'm not going to let her bother me. I'm gonna try.

Off to check my finances, watch some TV, and rest. I'm online for those that are bored and want to talk. By now you should know where to find me. TTYL.

~Me.

Wednesday, September 5th.

2007-09-05T14:00:59Z

I woke up this morning feeling really tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I should definately start going to bed earlier because I come home from work each day exhausted and being tired makes time at work go by so slowly.

Boots wanted his hair cut last night and had been complaining that his hair was in his eyes, so I shaved his head. Not close, close, but shorter than it had been. He kept rubbing it this morning and talking about how his hair felt prickly on the way to his class. He likes it and looks adorable. I'll take some photos of him and post them on my myspace when I get a chance.

I'm working today. I've showered and gotten dressed (still have to find some socks and put my shoes on) but I'm basically sitting around at the moment passing the time until I have to leave. Work has been going well. I'm starting to make friends with some of the girls I work with, but still keeping my distance as usual. It's an easy job, and the money is coming in handy, so I like it overall.

Well I guess that's it for now. Not much else to say. It's wednesaday already. This week is going by so fast.

~Mar.

It's been Twelve long months.

2007-09-03T03:22:18Z

Shortly after I divorced Devin's dad, I started dating a man that I'd met at the flea market in Jacksonville. I was running a booth there on the weekends selling incense, incense holders, body oils, etc. Your everyday headshop items. It was really cold, during the wintertime and I was in a lounge chair wrapped up in a blanket when this strange looking man walked by me and stared at me the entire time as he passed. He eventually walked away and I forgot about him as the day went by. As I was packing up my booth at the end of the day, I happened to look down the row and there he stood watching me. I glanced at him and continued to pack my things up. He had peircing blue eyes and a stone-like emotionless face. Much, much older than I was/am. I got packed up and left. The next day I left my booth with my dad to handle and I went walking around to say hello to the other vendors. We were like a tight knit family, where our children would go a few rows over and spend the day with other vendors children, or they'd send their kids over to play with Dev and I'd open the tailgate and back window to my (then) Chevy Blazer and they'd play inside the back of the car, watch movies on the portable DVD player, etc. It was my life and as many misfits as you'd meet who worked a large flea market each weekend, I looked forward to seeing my friends. They were an odd group of people judge-less of who you were or where you'd been in life all trying to make a quick buck.

I was walking around the flea market and would especially like to pass the tarot card lady's booth. I didn't know her well, I just knew that at any given time she had very interesting things in her booth for sale and would often tell me random (true) things about myself in passing. She was an old black woman, always dressed in eccentric clothing who at the time seemed very mysterious to me. I don't know if she had any powers at all (or if any of them do as far as that goes. I used to BE a telephone psychic for extra money and the whole thing is rigged. We were taught how to carry on a conversation, to be able to get people to talk about their problems and chat, thus making the calls longer and getting paid more) but she was very interesting like I mentioned before. Right before I got to her booth, I recognized the strange man standing there talking to her. I walked up, she hugged me and introduced us. He was from South Africa and staying with his sister a few miles away and had came down to the flea market to see what it was all about. He and I immediately struck up a conversation and he asked me if I'd mind him walking around the flea market with me. We walked around, me asking him questions about SA and him asking me questions about different things. He had asked me if I was in a painful place in my life and I'd asked him why he thought so. He seemed to think that he knew things about people. He'd claimed to be clairvoyant and had me pegged from the get go. Perhaps now that I think of it, maybe he was, or maybe it was a form of manipulation. I'm not sure.

One of the last conversations that I had with him was at the beginning of the past year of my life. He told me that this year was going to be a rough one for me. That I'd learn things about myself and that the things that happened from that time to this day would change me into a different person. I'd been warned that I can control the outcome of what I did with this change and I should take a turn for the better and grow from my mistakes that would be made. At the time I felt like it was bullshit because I thought he was just odd or weird or maybe just trying to impress me, but you know what? My entire life has been one thing or another. My childhood and teenage years were awful, though at the time I thought it was great. I was free, I was alive, and I was enjoying myself no matter the outcome. I made a lifetime of mistakes during those times. Then I went on to meet my future ex husband and father to my child and still continued to willingly make mistakes. I went through a divorce with someone that I felt like I'd live the rest of my life with and it hurt badly to lose the image of things that I'd built up in my mind for myself, my future, my child, and my life. Even with all of those things, I honestly have to say that my African friend was right. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I had a lot of hardship and growing this year. I struggled beyond belief this year, I didn't know what to do at times and there were periods of the year where I felt completely torn and confused. I continued making mistakes this year and hurt someone who I really and truly care about deeply. I broke his trust in me and realized that it was something that I'd done with almost everyone that I'd ever been with. But somehow it was different. He meant something no one has ever meant and I willingly did things that I shouldnt have done because it was normal for me. It hurt me to see him lose trust in me and I then realized after it was over that I never wanted to do those things ever in my life again. Not only did I hurt and confuse him, I hurt and confused myself. I almost lost something that has meant more to me in my life than I've ever had because of the way I'd been all my life.

Over the past 6 months, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I know now that I never want to hurt people like I did. I also have come to realization that people always need to hear the truth no matter what it is and it's always best to be true to who you are. I feel like something has happened to me in a way that I can't describe. I'm cautious of how close I get to people and how much information I let out. I am careful to not mislead people and I don't settle for anything less than what I know I want. I have a few things that I plan to work on this year. I need to stand up for myself more and not be so much of a pushover. I need to assert myself and get things done instead of watching it all idly go by me. I'm not perfect, pretty far from it but I know that I'll carry all of these things with me. If you were involved in it, I want to say again how sorry I am. If I could take it all away and make it right I'd give up everything I have.

So, here's to another year of growing and realization. I hope it's a good one, I really and truly hope it is. Im going to try my hardest to make it a good upcoming year for me.

I hope you guys are having great Labor Day weekends. Hopefully most of you can enjoy the extra day off to relax and be with those that you love.

*Nick and Danyel, thanks so much for dinner tonight. It meant more to me than you can possibly imagine. I really love you guys.

~Me.

Rush, Stop, Rush, Stop.

2007-09-01T04:44:57Z

Things have been pretty hectic with me lately. I wouldn't know where to begin, but things are alright.

I've been working and Boots has been going to school. I've been helping him with things he's struggling with in school and he's getting the hang of most of his problem areas, so that is good.

Last week I went for my emissions to get my tag and the morning I went, I'd unhooked my battery cables to clean them and re-connected them. Apparently this resets the computer, so I failed and was told to do 100 miles and then come back. I've been trying to get the miles on there and intentionally hit the 100 mark at 4pm. I went to the emissions testing place and did the test (passed) and then flew like a bat out of hell to the tag office to get my tag before my birthday. I made it 5 minutes till 5, before they closed. So, I have my tag. One less thing I have to worry about.

I got my first paycheck today from my new job. It was a pretty good feeling although it was for only 1 week. We get paid bi-weekly so I can expect double the amount I got today on my next check. It's awesome to be employed again.

I'm tired and haven't been sleeping well, so I'm off to sleep.

Happy Labor Day weekend guys.

*I meant to tell you that my computer crashed or did something a few days ago and I lost all my photos, programs, and everything. It was being really screwy beforehand and my programs weren't acting right at all. Nothing would load. I didn't know what else to do but re-format. All my programs are gone and when I try to download them, EVERY effing file is corrupted and wont initialize. If you've been trying to reach me on yahoo, not happening. *sigh*

Sleepy me.

2007-08-29T13:21:53Z

This morning has been really hectic. I layed down last night trying to get sleep, but my phone rang at 1 am with my mom wanting to chat about how her car broke down. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Mom: Hey Booger, whatcha doing?
Me: In the bed. It's 1am!
Mom: Oh. So what have you been up to?
Me: <blank stare>
Mom: Hey what's your brothers cell phone number? I can't find it anywhere.
Me: Mom, can I call you tomorrow with it? I have to get up in 5 hours to get Devin ready for school and then go pick Tims kids up and take them to school and then drive back across town and drop Devin off in time.
Mom: Ok Booger. I love you. Call me if you can't sleep.
Me: Goodnight Mom.

I ended up falling asleep around 1:45am. Woke up at 6. I feel like shit and have already told Boots that when we get home today, we're taking a nap.

Ugh. I wanna go back to sleep. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow.

Time flies when you're alive and kicking.

2007-08-26T02:17:57Z

I feel like writing, but really don't know what to start with.

My water pump has been acting up and through my landlord, I might just get it fixed soon, which should save a shitload on our lightbill. That almost sounded like that one commercial that says "I saved a load of money on my car insurance". Ha. Work has been bumping along. Since starting, I've had my reservations of the job in general. The job is fine and the work is something very very simple. There's other things that irk me though. Today was the first day that I sort of felt comfortable and actually had a great time in what I did. My best jobs have been like that. Where I can go in, look forward to going in and have a great time in what I do. I applied at a few other places along the way and got a call this afternoon about a job that I'd actually applied for this morning. They are looking for first shift, but I'd have to be there around 6 or 6:30am and I'm not so sure I'd have someone to watch Devin unless I enrolled him into daycare again, and right now I just can't afford it. We'll see. It's not that I dislike my current job, this one promises to pay more than I'm making now ($2 more) and will have benefits which is something I'll never have at my current job. Plus it's a really low key environment working around elderly people. I agreed to an interview on Monday at 10am. I'll try to post and let you guys know how it goes. Maybe I can talk the ex into helping me with daycare until I can handle it myself. Perhaps he'll be feeling generous, that's if his new girlfriend allows it. He's having some control issues in the sense that she now controls his every move. If he comes over here and stays more than 10 minutes, she's calling and yelling and hanging up. *shrugs*

I think I'm going to have to do some work on my car soon. It's acting funny. Or I'm being paranoid, which is absolutely possible. I should get it looked at soon.

My birthday is coming up on the 2nd of September. I have nothing planned at all and will most likely end up sitting here with Boots. Maybe I'll help him make a card for me and go out and let him pick out a cake. Luckily, I'm off on the 2nd and we're closed on the 3rd, so I get my birthday off to lounge around.

I don't have much else to talk about....perhaps later.

Hope you're all doing well.

~Marlena.

Weekend.

2007-08-19T03:45:18Z

I got hired for a job on Monday. I start at 10 am and will be mainly working part-time but it's a really busy type of place where it's kinda relaxed at the same time. They play my favorite radio station in the restuarant! I think it's gonna be cool once I get into the swing of things. :)

This weekend so far has been pretty lazy. Boots had been asking me all week when he'd be out of school and I kept telling him Friday. Wednesday-Friday he was begging me to let him stay out. I think he needs to start going to bed a little later. Maybe 8 instead of 9. I dunno. So all weekend we stayed in bed, played video games, played a few baodr games, and eventually went grocery shopping today. Took a nap after getting home and eating, and then played some more video games. Tomorrow we'll relax as well and prepare for the week coming up.

I hope you all are having fabulous weekends. I'm off to bed.

Let me hold your hand. Hell can get awfully hot.

2007-08-14T01:26:06Z

So I went to the Dr today and my infection is gone. I was really glad to hear that and the Dr told me stories of how he'd tried to come examine me while in the hospital annd I'd been given Stadol and I wouldn't let him examine me. Hilarious. He told me to be safe with soft drinks, educated me on the proper way to wipe, and told me to never push my pee out forcefully, but to relax and let it flow. All great things.

I had a job interview today but I won't say where because I don't want to jinx it. I asked for specific hours and was told that they desperately needed people around the hours I'd asked for so let's all cross our fingers that it works out. I'll basically be a kitchen drone. Nathan, Leigh, and Jeff, I listed you as references. I hope it was ok although they don't seem the type to check references. We'll see.

This afternoon was emotionally draining. I had a situation and ended up bawling my eyes out walking around the front yard on the phone. It all started at around 1:45 when I'd called my mom because she was wondering why she hadn't heard from me lately. I cried a bit while talking to her in the school parkinglot waiting on Boots. Then I was telling Boots about the day he was born and started crying again in the car. Then we got home, I unloaded the groceries, answered another phonecall and started crying again. I just get scared from time to time. It's hard on me sometimes and I often struggle with myself on certain issues. Everything is ok. I'm fine and full of ice cream. The world is good again.

Boots has a cold and a raspy little voice. I snagged some Dimetapp while we were at Walmart and he seems to be feeling better although around his eyes looked a little pink. I took his temp and it was ok and asked him if he was alright and he told me he thought he was just a little tired. He's passed out now in fresh linens on my bed.
I bought him a lava lamp today. It's blue with neon green lava. He loves it and it looks ultracool beside my monitor. I just gotta remember to not leave it on for so long. Supposedly you're not supposed to leave them on for more than 8 hours. I was thinking this would make a perfect night light (we both prefer light while sleeping) but sleep usually lasts more than 8 hours. Big fan of sleeping we are.

Ah, oh well. I'm off to bed early. I didn't sleep much last night.

Nite.

Something I found interesting.

2007-08-13T16:48:37Z

I got this from my Taoism calendar in my room. I'd bought the calendar before Christmas and only based on the beautiful photography on each month 90% of the time black and white with Chinese writing and translations at the bottom of the page. I was sitting here daydreaming, staring at the calendar, watching for time, and noticed the quote for this month:

Fame or self: Which matters more?
Self or wealth: Which is more precious?
Gain or loss: Which is more painful?

One who is attatched to things will suffer much.
One who saves will suffer heavy loss.
A contented person is never dissapointed.
One who knows when to stop does not find herself in trouble.
One will stay forever safe.

Tao Te Ching, Chapter Forty-Four.

School, Exes, Nostalgia, and of course my Boots.

2007-08-13T12:36:47Z

It's Monday again. It seems like time flies by so fast sometimes. Just last week I was dropping Boots off for his first day of 2nd grade and now week 2 has rolled around and you can tell by walking through the halls that he's getting used to his routine, knows who is in what class, and is able to point out different teachers to me that he likes. They all seem to know him, even teachers that I have never met before. We walk through the halls in the morning and every one that we pass greets him and says good morning. Both principals know him by name and greet him and always tell me how sweet and caring he is towards other people. Stuff like this makes me feel like I'm at least doing something right. I have been anticipating when he'd walk to his class on his own, thinking that once he got used to his routine, he'd tell me he could walk on his own. Yet, this morning he asked me on the way to school if I'd be walking him to his class again this week and I said absolutely. I'm so afraid sometimes to let go of him, for him to grow up and see how the world really is. As it is now, he's a happy vibrant child who see's the world and life as happy. I'm so afraid of him to grow up, be hurt, or have to struggle at anything. I wish I could wrap him in a little blanket and keep him safe forever, but I know that sooner than later, my little boy will become independant and perhaps not need his mom so much and that really scares the hell out of me.

This weekend went by so slowly. Boots went with his dad on Friday afternoon after school. I'd been sitting in the livingroom with Matt and John while their clothes dried and the Ex came walking in. He stayed a little while and then eventually left with an excited Boots, to go see his dads new house. Eventhough it shouldn't have, it really bothered me that Boots was excited to go see his dads big new house and to see his new room. Matt and John were certain that the Ex had been drinking when he showed up, but I wasn't entirely sure. I worried and wondered about it all weekend, but didn't want to accuse or cause problems so I left it alone.

He's recently bought a house just a few streets over from us and it's fairly large. Larger and nicer than what we live in for sure. He seems happy with his new living arrangement, although on Sunday when he dropped Boots off, he told me he was irritated with his new live in girlfriend because she'd pretty much pulled a guilt trip on him and had forced him to move in her brother, his girlfriend, their baby, and her mother. He told me he was going to give them 30 days to help pay bills or get jobs (none of them work, with the exception of her) and then he was going to tell them all to leave. We'll see if this happens. The girlfriend (that is attached to the Ex) has had her kids taken away by DFACS because her soon-to-be ex husband (she's still married) is complaining that the kids had bruises on them. I stopped by last weekend and there were a slew of little hispanic kids running around the front yard and more than hlf of them were filthy, babies with buldging diapers, and stuff running down their legs. Perhaps I was being overly sensitive, but I can tell you that no matter what, Boots has always had on clean clothes, always been clean in appearance, and never came across as these kids looked to me. He'd called me on Saturday so I could talk to Booots and he was on his way to Linen and Things to buy new curtains and bedding for the new house with the girlfriend. Boots said that everyday his dad was buying something new for the house and even took Boots with the girlfriend to let her help Boots pick out new things for his room. Heartbreaking. Utterly and completely heartbreaking. I was laying in bed last night thinking about when Boots was really young and we never did stuff like that. Ever. We were always struggling badly and everything we ever had was bought or given to us by my family. Even when things were going well, it was a hassle to him to do anything other than get up out of the recliner and go do things and now he seems to be putting so much effort and participation into this whole deal. I don't get it and guess that I really shouldn't worry about it. Because I don't love him anymore and can't turn back time, it's just those little things that you find yourself thinking about from time to time.

I spent most of my weekend in bed watching TV. My back and sides are sore and hurt from time to time and I'm peeing frequently. Everything looks ok, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the infection is still there. I just don't feel 100% at times. Then again, with everything going on (coupled with the whole being sick thing) it's easy for most things to not seem ok.

Today I have a doctor's appointment to see if indeed the infection is still in my kidneys/bladder. It's at 1:30 someplace close to the jail in town. I'll have to leave early so I can find it since I've never been there before.

Today is room cleaning, Doctor appointment, calling a few people about some jobs, and then picking Boots up. I have to get some supplies for his lunch (little bottled waters, chips,etc) afterwards so possibly shopping. Oh, and the cats need food too. *sigh*

Have a great Monday everyone.

Clearing things up for the confused.

2007-08-09T16:42:09Z

what does it mean to have a broken heart? I always used to assumed that it was that horrible aching pain that I felt in my chest after I'd lost someone I loved.

But after the hurt subsided, after the rough edges were numbed by time, I found another interpretation. I came to realize that my heart was still broken - broken in that it didn't work anymore. Of course it still pumps blood around my body with efficiency, often in spite of me, but I am talking about the supposed romantic function of the heart. That which enables us to fall and to be in love. I don't seem to be able to do that anymore.

I've gone through a string of very short relationships because I found that once the initial novelty wore off ( usually at about the 2 week mark) I find that I feel nothing. Sometimes it seems like I am dead inside. I seem to be incapable of feeling anything other than a mild affection. Many times I am often more interested on the things going on around me than the person I am spending time with. I just linger there. Broken. All broken.

I am hoping that in time, this empty broken feeling will fix itself. That maybe I'll meet someone who will fill this hole I have and make me feel full again. Refreshed, alive, and intrigued. But if it heals this time, will it heal the next time and the next? Surely you can trash something only so many times before it breaks for good.

I think this is what I've been afraid of all along.

Look for me.

2007-08-07T02:31:06Z

Look for me when I am gone. You will know me by the blue of the paint on my skin and the crimson of blood in my ash. You will know my look for the loss, black and holy on my brow and fingers, streaked, smearing stains against deep-set charcoal eyes that will never forget.

I will look for you when I am gone, and whereas you will never find me here, I will uncover you in every dream. Hiding one more flight of stairs away, higher and lighter in the distance, I will look for you like a ghost. I will look for you in all of the crevices of thought and push you out. I will.

I will look for you in all of the places I will go and see you behind the shadow of a man who wears your haircut, or who never has a jacket in the rain. I will see you in between the drops of rain. I will look for you beside broken panes of glass on winter days cut by wind, and though I look away, the next time I am peering back there you will once again be there, hidden in dust and smoke and the pain of all of these years spent, lost, without ever finding - caught in rainbows.

We came to this place seeking the same thing.

You will not remember me at all.

Look for me between the pages of the journal I keep that I will never show to you, where I have kept alive every strange moment I have chosen no longer to dwell on -- every thought of you and of how much I would have loved to love you if I could. You will never be who I thought you might, my dear. Look for me and you will know me. You will see me as the one before you dressed in an infinite dream of return; you will see me in a painting, behind your window, below the stair. Look for me and you will know me. You will know me by those colors, deep and bold, of the heart you never knew.

Look for me when I am gone: You will know me because I will be looking for you.

The First Day of School.

2007-08-06T12:28:09Z

I woke up sometime after 6 wide awake. I dozed off and on, but eventually got up at 6:30. I made Boots a sausage,egg, and cheese biscuit and woke him up at around 6:45. He was so excited to get up and get dressed. We stood in the bathroom brushing our teeth and he wanted some gel in his hair. I fixed his hair, we finished getting dressed, and we headed out of the house around 7:25. I got all the way to the school (5 minutes away) and realized that I'd left his lunchbox in the fridge. So we turned around and I came flying in the house and grabbed it. Made it at 7:40 and I walked him to his class.

My Boots is getting so big. I can't believe that he's already in 2nd grade. He wanted to unpack his bookbag on his own and gave me a hug and when I walked out he was raising his hand and answering questions that his teacher was asking. I miss him already.

On the way to school the second time, Boots was asking me if I thought his dad knew it was the first day of school. I told him I was sure that he knew, but wasn't sure. I called him after I dropped Boots off and he seemed bothered by the fact that I'd called him to remind him it was the first day of school. I'd woken his girlfriend and the baby up. On the way back home I started to feel really sad for Boots because he was thinking of his dad and wondering if his dad was going to call and he seemed like he could have really cared less.

I'll attempt to clean our rooms up a bit this morning and then later go put in some applications for work.

Wish me luck.

I'm getting comfortable here, it's time to move along.

2007-08-03T23:27:13Z

Things have leveled out since leaving the hospital. I feel 100% and have been going on as if nothing was wrong. I haven't had any soda yet, but really haven't craved any. Lots of ice water and a half a glass of lemonade yesterday.

Boots and I went to his orientation today to see his new classroom and to meet his new teacher. His regular teacher won't ben in for a week because her son is having a tumor removed from his brain. Scary stuff. The Sub that was there knew Boots and was really excited to know that Boots was gonna be in her class. She said he was a pure joy, very helpful and sweet, and very bright and animated. That's my Boots. :)

We did a few more things this afternoon, but for the most part have been home relaxing.

Boots is very excited to start school. I am too, because I want to get out and get a job for the school year.

That's all for now. I have a fried egg sandwich waiting. :)

~Me.

I'm Home.

2007-08-01T03:34:56Z

I left here Friday and went to the ER. I'd started being sick on Tuesday and from Tues-Fri, it was spent laying in bed, fighting chills, fever, extreme muscle ache, and migraine. Nothing was helping to ease it for any long period of time and it seemed to be getting much worse.

I got to the ER and was immediately seen. I was admitted after some blood tests and urine tests with a severe kidney infection and a fever of 102. Seems I'd gotten a bladder infection sometime back (I'm prone to them) and it had hidden and silently progressed to my kidneys. My left side was killing me the worst.

The first 2 days I don't remember much. I had visitors during those times, but you can ask them, I was really out of it from pain medication. From Friday to Sunday, my fever dipped at the lowest to 99 and the highest to 103. I kept a constant migraine and knew when my fever was spiking back up because my eyeballs would start to burtn and my head would ache badly. Finally early Monday morning around 5am, I was sitting in my bed crying because of frustration and I started feeling really lightheaded. My hands and feet got puffy and within 15-20 minutes of them swelling, I began to pour sweat. It was rolling everywhere. I was changed and put into bed and when I woke up 2 hours later, they were checking my temperature and it was where it should be within 1-2 degrees. It continued to stay down, only popping back up to 100 once again, and remained normal. I had dye tests run on my kidneys and bladder and there seems to be no abnormalities and blockages.

Because of the pain that the infection caused, I am still very sore and my insides are still delicate. I am continuing a semi-liquid diet that I was on, consisting of Chicken Noodle Soup, fruit cups, pudding, scrambled eggs, and apple(yuck)/orange juice and slowly easing myself back up to a more solid selection. They would (and wanted to) do this for me at the hospital, but I wanted to go home. I had a noisy roomate, they couldnt move me because the floor was full, and I missed being home. I had become very emotional from lack of sleep so they thought it best that I come back home and rest. I've got a follow-up in one week with my Dr.

If you were able to come and see me, I want you to let you know that it really brightened my day up tremendously. More than you'll ever know. I was really really scared several times.

I'm off to sleep. I start meds in the morning.

~Me.

Weird Day

2007-07-25T22:21:15Z

I woke up this morning feeling tired and sore. I remember tossing and turning all night and wondered how much sleep I got. I got up and wandered around the house and noticed that I felt really stiff and sore. So I went into the bathroom and ran some bath water and soaked for an hour or so. Boots had woken up by then, so I got out and got dressed. I know know what happened but I started to feel really bad. My head began to ache, my back and midsection was just horrible with pain, and I ran a temp and couldnt get warm at all. I told Boots I wasn't feeling very good (I felt like I was about to pass out) and laid back down in the bed. After 2 hours of shaking under the blanket, I dozed off.

I've just gotten up and I feel horrible. My body aches, my head is pounding, I still have a fever, and my skin is cold and feels prickly in a sensitive kinda way. Even my face hurts. When I stand up I'm dizzy and I can't seem to focus my eyes very well. I really feel bad. I just don't know what caused it. I started feeling lighthead and woozy last night, so it must have been something over night that brought it on.

I feel like I have to throw up.

I'm gonna take some Tylenol and lay down.

True ramblings of a weary mind.

2007-07-24T17:40:18Z

Sometimes life brings so much damned pressure. Pressure to be as society wants you to be, pressure to fullfill their expectations, pressure to fullfill your own expectations of yourself. What are we working towards in general? Happiness? The illusion of happiness? I fully agree that true, untapped happiness exists. I see it everytime that I look into my sons eyes. I see it everytime Bay looks at Nick. I see it in the eyes of people who are tasting it and living it and are running over at the brim. It makes me feel good inside to see these things. It gives me hope that maybe the world isn't as tough as I want it to appear or that I make it out to be. Happiness to me is waking up to Tinkerbell purring on my pillow, or seeing Boots get all excited about something and sharing that excitement with him. It's the little things that bring me happiness. Comforting, fleeting little things passing through my life like subtle winds that blow delicately and then are gone again, only you know they were there because the goosebumps are still on your skin.

Define love to me. Is it never wanting to be apart from the ones you care about? It is never wanting to see someone suffering or hurt? Or maybe it's just sheer concern. I have loved a great deal in this life that I've lead. Some of it has been unreturned and some of it has been thrown away, but you know what? I felt it. It was real and I hold onto those things because it's the only real thing that I've felt in my life that consumed me in a way that I could barely breathe. I am only human. Hell, we all are. We think, we feel, we act, it's all human nature. Is it so wrong to feel so deeply about someone or something that you feel like you are going to explode? Why compress that? I hide behind walls way too much in my life. I don't let people in because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of putting so much into something only to be let down. There are times when I think that my heart can't take anymore breaking and hurt. I get tired of it all sometimes. There's a song that I like that starts off saying "She says sometimes she feels like shit, sometimes she wants to quit, and just be normal for a bit". So many of my days start off with me feeling that way. I can't help it. I just get tired of all of the struggling and want life to be kind to me every once in a while. I don't think I'm wrong in saying that most of us wants the same thing. Some just find it easier than others.

I realize that the world isn't as you see it, but only as you make it. But sometimes I get scared that it's making me. Making me into this quiet monster who can't say what she wants for fear of what others will think, can't feel how she wants to feel because someone will think it's wrong, and can't act because it's not in your flow of things. I am me. That's all that I am and will be. And if you don't like it, then throw it all away. Turn your nose up and think what you will about me. Because you know what? You're fucking missing out. I said it. Turn your nose up at that. I dare you. We only have one shot at this life. Why spend it worrying all the time about how other people are going to take you? Why spend it being miserable because there have been a few bad apples that have left a bad taste in your mouth? Did you die? No, you're still alive and kicking and existing. You still feel and love and think and breathe.

I have so much pent up energy inside of me somtimes from hiding and shying away that I believe if I ever fully open my wings and decide to fly that I'll never come back down to the ground again. But there's always that fear of hitting the ground again, skidding in sideways, broken, bruised, and hurt. I shouldn't care about that, but I do. I care about it a whole helluva lot.

Does it always have to be so hard to let go? Maybe I've been clinging onto everything so long that it feels familiar to me. Maybe deep down, my sadistic side likes it. It feels good to me, because it's all I've been taught and known.

Maybe I'm just a little confused by it all.

~Everyday I wake up and ask for strength. Not to be stronger or better than anyone else, only to be strong enough that when the time comes, I can defeat my enemies and my strongest fears. Often I am one and the same."

~Me.

Everything and nothing inbetween.

2007-07-24T06:57:59Z

I haven't had much to say lately. There have been a few things happen, Devin and I went up to my parents house last Wednesday and just got back yesterday. Over the weekend, my grandparents came up to my moms place and we all went to Cherokee on Saturday to the Indian Pow Wow festival. It was really interesting and turned out to be more fun than I'd thought it'd be. My grandmother and I lagged behind in all the little tourist shops much to my grandfathers dismay and bought homemade fudge and walked along looking at jewelry and talking about trinkets and her trip across the United States that they took last month. I've said it many times, but I really miss my grandmother. She's everything to me and I'm lost without being able to see her and talk to her sometimes. Life is rough and sometimes it really sucks and I miss going to see her and telling her about all the little things that worry me. She's always been my rock. Here we are at the Pow Wow.

My Gramma is one helluva lady. And she looks ultra-cool in her shades. :)

Boots is starting school soon. It's really scary that the summer has passed by so fast. In 14 days my little buddy will be in 2nd grade. I'll miss spending the day with him. He's really excited, we're going tomorrow for school supplies.
Here we are at a rest area about 10 minutes from Cherokee. This would have turned out great had he not closed his eyes. I think it's great anyway though. Without my Boots, my world wouldn't seem as colorful or bright.

I thought I'd get more out in this writing than I have, but I think I'll try to catch up perhaps tomorrow or during the week. I have something decent that I'm working on in my mind that I really want to write out so maybe I'll work on it and see how it comes out.

"Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships."
Charles Simic

Happy Tuesday. :)

Not everything is replaceable.

2007-07-18T12:37:35Z

I woke up sometime before 7 and found myself laying in my mothers' spare bedroom with Boots spread out like a starfish beside me, both of us crammed on a twin bed. I would have opted to sleep on the couch, but they have 3 chihuahuas who aren't graceful about waking guests up in the morning and sadly my mother seems to find it cute that her little 5 lb male wakes unsuspecting guests up by lifting his leg and peeing on them first thing in the morning. Being a huge NON morning person who hates confusion and chaos in the morning, this is enough sometimes to make me want to get up, grab my things and head back home without a word.

So I woke up because Honey was being restless. She's in heat, and I called beforehand to discuss this with my mother and the response I got was: "bring her on up with you, we'll put a band-aid on her." Assuming everything would be kosher, I packed up our things, loaded the car up and took off around 9 something last night. We get here and immediately she's complaining about Honey, shaking her head, and giving me and Honey looks. To begin with, I asked and was told it would be alright. Now I'm expected to run down to the nearest Walmart and buy some dog panties and have to spend the rest of my week keeping an eye on Honey to make sure she doesn't get knocked up. Nevermind controlling your own dogs, let me make mine miserable when she's better behaved than all three of those little pissing bastards. So, I crawled out of bed, let Honey out to pee, attempted to lay back down and realized it was useless, so here I am.

As I was laying back down I got to thinking about how I got Honey. Honey came to me a few days after Bruce had died. My best friend had died, and classically, my mother was trying to replace him. My dad had driven down to Newnan to help me bury him and when we finished he told me that my mom wanted me to come back with him. I did, but knew something was up. It almost angered me that she thought for a second that she could just ease and make everything go away by throwing another dog on me so quickly. I didn't want another dog. I wanted to grieve and mourn over the best little dog that I had ever known. No matter what kind of mood I was in, he always made me smile. He was always there to lift me up or make me laugh or just hug and hold sometimes. And then he was gone and I found myself being shown a small white pathetic looking little thing not even 48 hours after Brucie was gone and expected to love it. I felt like I was betraying Bruce in some way, and almost told her no. I love Honey now, but it took me a while to realize a few things. Now that I have, she's a decent little dog. Devin loves her to peices and she's a part of our little family.

Something I was thinking about this morning is this: not everything you love in life is replaceable. Bruce will never be replaceable. One day I'll be able to get another little smush faced dog, and it'll remind me of Bruce and I'll laugh and I'll smile and remember him in the ways that I want to. You can't just go around thinking that you can fill voids for people when you think they've lost something. Maybe this is why she insists on trying to set me up with random men that she works with. There are 2 cats now at our house that have been left behind and replaced. 2 cats that at one time were loved and cherished as much the little demon chihuahuas are loved now. And they've been replaced. Upon talking to her and asking her what she wanted to do with her cats when I moved, she told me to take them off somewhere. It upsets me deeply that things are so expendable to my mother sometimes. Those cats never asked to be taken in and given a home, and then suddenly one day thrown out somewhere to fend for themselves.

I just don't get it sometimes.

Boots just came walking in here wondering where I was so I'm going to cut this short and play some video games with him. Have a great day everyone.

~Me.

peircing_swords @ 2007-07-17T01:47:00

2007-07-17T05:52:46Z

This past weekend went by so fast it seemed. Friday The Ex came to get Boots. He's currently in the process of buying a home in the town that I live in and has been after me asking me if I'd consider moving in with him. I've said no and continue to say no because I don't want to get back into that situation again just for comfort reasons. And he's still drinking as much as he always did and as he plainly told me Sunday night when I called, I could either put up with it and move out of this shithole or I could stay here. I think I'll stay. The thing that he fails to realize is that we never talk, we hardly have any contact anymore, and barely speak. And he thiks it's just so easy for me to up and move in with him without knowing that things will be better. I know it won't, I know the same routine will continue and I don't want Boots going through that again. Sadly, he's talking about this with Boots when he has him even after I've asked him not to, and he's getting Boots all excited about it, and when Boots comes home and asks me about living with his dad and I say no, it makes me look like a bad guy. How do you explain to a 7 year old that when Daddy drinks too much he likes to belittle, degrade, and hit mom? Or that he might possibly hit him, again? Or how do you explain to him that his dad and I just cannot live together? Boots would be happy, but both his father and I would be miserable. And I don't want my son growing up seeing that. I want him to see healthy happy realtionships and it just wouldn't be the case if we moved in together. I already know. I wish he'd leave Boots out of it. I've told him that those are adult conversations and isn't something that he needs to be implanting into his sons head. That he's too young to comprehend the situation, and all Boots needs to know is that we both love him no matter what. Still, he comes home from being with his dad and says to me "Mama, my dad said he wants us to live with him but you say no".
Funny thing is, Boots tells me that after they left Friday (when he was begging me to move in with him) they went and picked up his dads' girlfriend and she stayed the weekend with them and when it came time to go to bed, Boots was told that there was no room in his dads bed for him and he slept upstairs on the couch alone. I just don't get it. When I asked him about it, he accused me of not wanting him to have a life. Sadly, he doesn't get it.

Today was a semi-busy day. We woke up, got dressed and went to the video game store. Last night Boots was being restless and neither of us could sleep so we got up and went to Walmart for snacks. I asked him if he wanted something to eat and he said he wanted a cheese omellette, grits, and toast so I grabbed all the stuff and we came back and made breakfast. While we were at Walmart, Boots was checking out some new video games and I told him to hold off and we'd go today to Hastings or EB Games where they tend to have cheaper games than Walmart. So we took off this morning to Hastings, walked around and grabbed a few things and then went to the petstore for a mouse. They have the cutest pug puppy there that I want. Sadly, they want $600 for him. He's adorable and reminds me of my Bruce so much. I miss Bruce.
Afterwards, I rode around trying to find out where the old deli that I used to wrk at had moved to. Nick had told me that they were moving across the street from his job but I never did find them. We grabbed lunch at Moe's and then headed home to drop the mouse off with Sandy the Python. I ran over to my uncles place for a second to drop off a CD that I'd burned him and we've been home since.

I started cleaning a bit and was using my $5 vacuum cleaner I'd bought at the Flea Market the last time I went to stay with my mom, but something happened to it and now it won't even turn on. The front light comes on when you hit the power button, but nothing else. I think the motor went out. It always was a little loud and sounded funny. I managed to get most of the rest of the carpet cleaned up, swept and mopped the kitchen, and changed out the litterboxes. The place looks and smells so much better.

There's talk about us possibly moving out of here and trying to find a better place. As Nick put it, it's a shithole. He said he had one of the most expensive phones there are and he can't even use it because we live out in the woods so far, there's no signal. And we can't get DSL or even Cable because we're off the road by so much. And living in a huge tin box that sits directly in the sun runs our lightbill up to $300 or more during the summer. It's just outrageous.
So we might be moving. He's going to talk to the boss of the store he used to work at before he got promoted to Peachtree and see if I can't get a job working there with hours that'll kinda fit around Boots. I can work daycare hours (6am-5pm) providing I get some money up to start paying daycare and every weekend if I can work it out with my mom to watch him on the weekends when he isn't with his dad. I really hope it goes through because I have been feeling lately like I'm stuck in a rut. It'd be good to not have to struggle so much.

It's late and I smell like Mr Clean (Lemon scented). I'm gonna sign off here for now and get some rest. We're possibly going up to stay at my parents place this week. Either tomorrow or Wednesday. My grandparents are coming up and we're all supposed to go up to Cherokee for the indian pow wow. My stepdad is 1/2 Chippewa, so my parents go every year. If I remember, I'll charge my camera batteries and try and take some photos to post here. I'm sure Boots will love it.

Good night for now. I hope you all have a happy Tuesday.

~Me.

a hot today.

2007-07-12T21:02:42Z

I woke up sometime right before noon to my phone ringing. It was a number that I don't recognize and since Boots was still sleeping, I grabbed it, headed into the kitchen for a glass of OJ and went outside to call the number back. I sat down outside on the front steps and tried the number twice, but got no answer. I put the phone down, sipped on my OJ, and looked at the yard. It has been raining this past week or so and the grass has really been shooting up. I'd started to weedeat around the front porch to begin with, but the gas I'd poured into the weedeater was either too mixed with cycle oil or had water in it somehow from the rains. I'd get it cranked up, and then it'd stall after about 20 seconds. I had a gut feeling it was the gas (an old container I'd found under the back porch...it'd been under there for god knows how long) so I came into the house and woke Boots up and told him we needed to go get gas so I could cut the grass today. Upon pulling out of the driveway, I decided I'd shoot over to my uncles house and see what he'd done new to the place since I haven't been over there in a while. It was right around 12:15 or so and I knew he wouldn't be home so I shot over. I went in and the place looked pretty much the same as it always does, although he'd refinished his refridgerator, moved the freezer off of the back porch, and had recently shampooed his carpets. I checked out his new python baby, fed the fish and headed up to the shop to see how much gasoline he had. He had 2 5 gallon gasoline cannisters, one with cycle oil in it, and one with gasoline in it, so I grabbed my gas can out of the trunk, filled it up (1 gallon) and headed back home. I got home, changed into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and went outside to weedeat. I was doing fine until I was weedeating and apparently stood in an ant bed. Next thing I knew, my legs were on fire and I was putting the weedeater away. Came in, pulled my jeans off and found 50 or more fireants up and down my legs stinging away. I've since then showered, made some mozzerella sticks and fries, and feel fine.

This weekend Boots goes to his dads house. I'm thinking of going to visit an old friend who has recently been in the hospital, but am not sure if I will actually do it or not. My dad starts his DUI classes on Monday and since my mom will have the truck for work, I told him I'd come up as soon as Boots' dad drops him off on Sunday and I'd stay till Tuesday night or wednesday morning and take him to his classes.

Things are going well around here, Nick and Danyel got new phones and Nick has a Razor that he wont possibly be using anymore. I told him I wanted it if he didn't and he said to give him a week or so to decide if he likes his new phone and then he'll think about giving it to me. I really want a Rzr...the phone I have now is pretty shitty and it'd be sweet to have a camera phone again.

I checked to see how much my speeding ticket was online, but it wasn't posted so I called the County Clerks Office and they told me it'd be $60 bucks and said that they'd updated it and it should be online. I tried to look it up again and sure enough, it was in the system. I paid it, along with the $8.30 efficiency charge (they charge you extra if you want to pay online) and as of now, all of my tickets are paid.

No real plans for the rest of the day. I might try and get to bed early so I can get up before it gets too hot outside to weedeat the yard. I got about half done today and if I get up before it's hot and rubbery outside, I should be able to finish the rest in no time.

I hope you all are having a decent Thursday. I'm off to play Halo with Boots.

Arizona seems so far away.

2007-07-11T16:44:27Z

I had a dream about you this morning. I think I will text you and tell you, although I know already that you won't respond. Not because you are angry or don't want to speak. I used to text you things when we were dating, and when I'd see you, you'd remark "Marlena, you know I hate those things". And then I'd smile.

I walked into a Publix to buy groceries. I was taking my time and looking for something inparticular but I remember not being sure at the time what exactly I wanted. I started at the right of the store and worked my way to the left end of the store. There at the end, I wound up in the freezer section. There was some sort of Arcade game right there inbetween the freezer cases and I stopped to look at it. And then I walked out of a back exit. As I walked out, there you were. Sitting outside the steps, the arms of your shirt rlled up like you always did when you worked and looking serious and anxious to get in and be back to work. I loved your work faces. You recognized me and got that silly look on your face and started smiling. I sat down and we talked and then later you got into your car and you left.

My mom had taken me to the store, but I was in there so long she'd left already so I walked up to a main road to a train station and caught the train through an old town that I frequently dream of in my dreams. I got off of the train in the outskirts of town and noticed a school. I walked through the rooms of the schools, smiling at the children, and talking with the principal and went outside, down a steep staircase. The steps were shaky and he remarked that they had been shaky and unstable for some time, and had to be fixed soon.

I got home (but home is never my actual home) and talked to Boots and he'd told me that he was walking to the baseball feild and had gotten lost and confused and some man sat with him until someone came to help him find the way he should go. He described you perfectly, I knew it was you. So the next day we went back down to the baseball feilds and we sat in the same spot that Boots said you sat with him. I watched for you and you came walking up with a big grin on your face. Boots was so happy, I think he liked you just about as much as I did, although he doesnt remember you now. I could see my house from the baseball feild, we alwas lived 2 houses up and you could see the livingroom bigscreen through the windows. I pointed to my house and told you that I was living there. You turned around, smiled at me, and then I woke up.