My so-called journal.

Gosh I've been stressed out so much lately. There's so much stuff going on and I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions sometimes. I don't even want to get into any of it. I just feel like hiding and crawling into a hole and sleeping till it feels safe again. I suppose what I'm craving now is some peace in my life. It's there sure, but sometimes the universe just goes out of whack for a litle bit.

Devin is doing well and enjoying school.  He's excited about Halloween coming up but isn't sure what he wants to be yet. We'll see. 

Yesterday was by far the worst day I'd ever had at work. I was just really stressed out, running around, and tired. It was slam packed with people in the lobby, I was the expediter expediting food and there was just so much food coming out that orders were missing from down the line, wrong ingrediants put on items, and my boss was about to explode. Then the other girls were giving me dirty looks, I hadn't gone to bed till 4:30am, only to have to get up a 7. I wanted to just cry.  I got some decent sleep last night and am feeling much better this morning but there's so much looming around that I'm worrying about and it's not good for me. I'm going to make plans to get out of the house this weekend and do something fun. Maybe I'll grab a buddy and go up to Atlanta to walk around and take photos. Anyone interested, let me know.  I could use some distractions. 

Have a great day guys. It's beautiful outside. :)

 Hi guys. Sorry I haven't written anything. I've just been having an odd month and not really getting much sleep when I do lay down. 

I had one big pile of steamy bad day today. So I'm gonna change, get Dev started on his homework and lay down. Poo.

Hey guys. I haven't had much to share lately so forgive me. I've been working, living life, and hanging out with my boy. Nothing really interesting to write about. I might be going up to spend the weekend with my parents this weekend, so I won't be online from Friday evening sometime till Sunday night. Mom got her internet shut off. We'll see. 


In other news, I can't get this damned song out of my head. Download it, turn it up loud, and picture me getting speeding tickets as I fly to work with this blasting in my ears. I'm a dork. :P

Matchbox 20 "How far we've come" lyrics. 

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone.
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
and I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye.
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?


chorus:
But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know.
Then I can't remember caring for an hour or so.
Started crying and i couldn't stop myself.
I started running but there's no where to run to.
i sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell.
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to.

But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!


It's gone gone baby its all gone.
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home.
It was cool cool, it was just all cool.
Now it's over for me and it's over for you.
Well its gone gone baby its all gone.
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home.
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool.
Now it's over for me and it's over for you.

But i believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!
let's see how far we've come!

 I'm sitting here at the moment wishing I could get my limewire to load because I have a million songs in my head that I'd like to download. Ugh. I'm manually downloading Windows Service Pack two, sine my updater isn't working. It's a 256MB file and so far I've got 20.6MB. It might be tomorrow late sometime before it finishes. OMG!! I just tried to open Limewire and it's running! I'm so happy. Scratch those last comments. Yay! Now to get my Yahoo running again, and I'll be in business.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty quiet today because I have a few things on my mind. I'd much rather keep them to myself at the moment because it's something that I've already hashed over and it's best left in my mind rather than out here for others to read. 

There's this girl at work who I think hates me. I'm not sure why or what I've done, but others that I work with have told me that I shouldn't worry because she has a huge chip on her shoulder, and some well known emotional issues to go with it. The other day she pretty much cussed her best friend out for going out to smoke with me. I felt awful. Today I was walking around and cleaning and singing and she passed by me and rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath. I just smiled and went on my way. Sad thing is that my boss is leaving for a cruise tomorrow morning and won't be back till Tuesday of next week and he's leaving her in charge while he's gone. Luckily, Friday and Saturday are the only remaining two days of this week that I'll work. I just don't get it. Everyone who's reding this that truly knows me knows that I don't make female friends easily. I've always had a problem with having friends who were girls. They either act like the girl at work towards me, or I don't ever let them get close enough for there to be a really meaningful relationship. Most of the girls at work are pretty nice and I go out of my way to talk to them, to have conversations with them, and to try to fit in. Even to the one who has issues.  But she still walks around rolling her eyes at me, grabbing things I'm doing and taking over, and acting like a huge brat. I'm not going to let her bother me. I'm gonna try. 

Off to check my finances, watch some TV, and rest. I'm online for those that are bored and want to talk. By now you should know where to find me. TTYL. 

~Me.

 I woke up this morning feeling really tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I should definately start going to bed earlier because I come home from work each day exhausted and being tired makes time at work go by so slowly. 

Boots wanted his hair cut last night and had been complaining that his hair was in his eyes, so I shaved his head. Not close, close, but shorter than it had been. He kept rubbing it this morning and talking about how his hair felt prickly on the way to his class. He likes it and looks adorable. I'll take some photos of him and post them on my myspace when I get a chance. 

I'm working today. I've showered and gotten dressed (still have to find some socks and put my shoes on) but I'm basically sitting around at the moment passing the time until I have to leave. Work has been going well. I'm starting to make friends with some of the girls I work with, but still keeping my distance as usual. It's an easy job, and the money is coming in handy, so I like it overall. 

Well I guess that's it for now. Not much else to say. It's wednesaday already. This week is going by so fast. 

~Mar.

Shortly after I divorced Devin's dad, I started dating a man that I'd met at the flea market in Jacksonville. I was running a booth there on the weekends selling incense, incense holders, body oils, etc. Your everyday headshop items. It was really cold, during the wintertime and I was in a lounge chair wrapped up in a blanket when this strange looking man walked by me and stared at me the entire time as he passed. He eventually walked away and I forgot about him as the day went by. As I was packing up my booth at the end of the day, I happened to look down the row and there he stood watching me. I glanced at him and continued to pack my things up. He had peircing blue eyes and a stone-like emotionless face. Much, much older than I was/am. I got packed up and left. The next day I left my booth with my dad to handle and I went walking around to say hello to the other vendors. We were like a tight knit family, where our children would go a few rows over and spend the day with other vendors children, or they'd send their kids over to play with Dev and I'd open the tailgate and back window to my (then) Chevy Blazer and they'd play inside the back of the car, watch movies on the portable DVD player, etc. It was my life and as many misfits as you'd meet who worked a large flea market each weekend, I looked forward to seeing my friends.  They were an odd group of people judge-less of who you were or where you'd been in life all trying to make a quick buck. 

I was walking around the flea market and would especially like to pass the tarot card lady's booth. I didn't know her well, I just knew that at any given time she had very interesting things in her booth for sale and would often tell me random (true) things about myself in passing. She was an old black woman, always dressed in eccentric clothing who at the time seemed very mysterious to me. I don't know if she had any powers at all (or if any of them do as far as that goes. I used to BE a telephone psychic for extra money and the whole thing is rigged. We were taught how to carry on a conversation, to be able to get people to talk about their problems and chat, thus making the calls longer and getting paid more) but she was very interesting like I mentioned before. Right before I got to her booth, I recognized the strange man standing there talking to her. I walked up, she hugged me and introduced us. He was from South Africa and staying with his sister a few miles away and had came down to the flea market to see what it was all about. He and I immediately struck up a conversation and he asked me if I'd mind him walking around the flea market with me. We walked around, me asking him questions about SA and him asking me questions about different things. He had asked me if I was in a painful place in my life and I'd asked him why he thought so. He seemed to think that he knew things about people. He'd claimed to be clairvoyant and had me pegged from the get go. Perhaps now that I think of it, maybe he was, or maybe it was a form of manipulation. I'm not sure. 

One of the last conversations that I had with him was at the beginning of the past year of my life. He told me that this year was going to be a rough one for me. That I'd learn things about myself and that the things that happened from that time to this day would change me into a different person. I'd been warned that I can control the outcome of what I did with this change and I should take a turn for the better and grow from my mistakes that would be made. At the time I felt like it was bullshit because I thought he was just odd or weird or maybe just trying to impress me, but you know what? My entire life has been one thing or another. My childhood and teenage years were awful, though at the time I thought it was great. I was free, I was alive, and I was enjoying myself no matter the outcome. I made a lifetime of mistakes during those times. Then I went on to meet my future ex husband and father to my child and still continued to willingly make mistakes. I went through a divorce with someone that I felt like I'd live the rest of my life with and it hurt badly to lose the image of things that I'd built up in my mind for myself, my future, my child, and my life. Even with all of those things, I honestly have to say that my African friend was right. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I had a lot of hardship and growing this year. I struggled beyond belief this year, I didn't know what to do at times and there were periods of the year where I felt completely torn and confused. I continued making mistakes this year and hurt someone who I really and truly care about deeply. I broke his trust in me and realized that it was something that I'd done with almost everyone that I'd ever been with. But somehow it was different. He meant something no one has ever meant and I willingly did things that I shouldnt have done because it was normal for me.  It hurt me to see him lose trust in me and I then realized after it was over that I never wanted to do those things ever in my life again. Not only did I hurt and confuse him, I hurt and confused myself. I almost lost something that has meant more to me in my life than I've ever had because of the way I'd been all my life. 

Over the past 6 months, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I know now that I never want to hurt people like I did. I also have come to realization that people always need to hear the truth no matter what it is and it's always best to be true to who you are. I feel like something has happened to me in a way that I can't describe. I'm cautious of how close I get to people and how much information I let out. I am careful to not mislead people and I don't settle for anything less than what I know I want. I have a few things that I plan to work on this year. I need to stand up for myself more and not be so much of a pushover. I need to assert myself and get things done instead of watching it all idly go by me. I'm not perfect, pretty far from it but I know that I'll carry all of these things with me. If you were involved in it, I want to say again how sorry I am. If I could take it all away and make it right I'd give up everything I have. 

So, here's to another year of growing and realization. I hope it's a good one, I really and truly hope it is. Im going to try my hardest to make it a good upcoming year for me.

I hope you guys are having great Labor Day weekends. Hopefully most of you can enjoy the extra day off to relax and be with those that you love.

*Nick and Danyel, thanks so much for dinner tonight. It meant more to me than you can possibly imagine. I really love you guys. 

~Me.

Things have been pretty hectic with me lately. I wouldn't know where to begin, but things are alright. 

I've been working and Boots has been going to school. I've been helping him with things he's struggling with in school and he's getting the hang of most of his problem areas, so that is good. 

Last week I went for my emissions to get my tag and the morning I went, I'd unhooked my battery cables to clean them and re-connected them. Apparently this resets the computer, so I failed and was told to do 100 miles and then come back. I've been trying to get the miles on there and intentionally hit the 100 mark at 4pm. I went to the emissions testing place and did the test (passed) and then flew like a bat out of hell to the tag office to get my tag before my birthday. I made it 5 minutes till 5, before they closed. So, I have my tag. One less thing I have to worry about. 

I got my first paycheck today from my new job. It was a pretty good feeling although it was for only 1 week. We get paid bi-weekly so I can expect double the amount I got today on my next check. It's awesome to be employed again. 

I'm tired and haven't been sleeping well, so I'm off to sleep. 

Happy Labor Day weekend guys. 

*I meant to tell you that my computer crashed or did something a few days ago and I lost all my photos, programs, and everything. It was being really screwy beforehand and my programs weren't acting right at all. Nothing would load. I didn't know what else to do but re-format. All my programs are gone and when I try to download them, EVERY effing file is corrupted and wont initialize. If you've been trying to reach me on yahoo, not happening. *sigh* 

This morning has been really hectic. I layed down last night trying to get sleep, but my phone rang at 1 am with my mom wanting to chat about how her car broke down. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Mom: Hey Booger, whatcha doing?
Me: In the bed. It's 1am!
Mom: Oh. So what have you been up to?
Me: <blank stare>
Mom: Hey what's your brothers cell phone number? I can't find it anywhere. 
Me: Mom, can I call you tomorrow with it? I have to get up in 5 hours to get Devin ready for school and then go pick Tims kids up and take them to school and then drive back across town and drop Devin off in time. 
Mom: Ok Booger. I love you. Call me if you can't sleep. 
Me: Goodnight Mom. 

I ended up falling asleep around 1:45am. Woke up at 6. I feel like shit and have already told Boots that when we get home today, we're taking a nap. 

Ugh. I wanna go back to sleep. Thankfully I'm off tomorrow.

I feel like writing, but really don't know what to start with. 

My water pump has been acting up and through my landlord, I might just get it fixed soon, which should save a shitload on our lightbill. That almost sounded like that one commercial that says "I saved a load of money on my car insurance". Ha. Work has been bumping along. Since starting, I've had my reservations of the job in general. The job is fine and the work is something very very simple. There's other things that irk me though. Today was the first day that I sort of felt comfortable and actually had a great time in what I did. My best jobs have been like that. Where I can go in, look forward to going in and have a great time in what I do. I applied at a few other places along the way and got a call this afternoon about a job that I'd actually applied for this morning. They are looking for first shift, but I'd have to be there around 6 or 6:30am and I'm not so sure I'd have someone to watch Devin unless I enrolled him into daycare again, and right now I just can't afford it. We'll see. It's not that I dislike my current job, this one promises to pay more than I'm making now ($2 more) and will have benefits which is something I'll never have at my current job. Plus it's a really low key environment working around elderly people. I agreed to an interview on Monday at 10am. I'll try to post and let you guys know how it goes. Maybe I can talk the ex into helping me with daycare until I can handle it myself. Perhaps he'll be feeling generous, that's if his new girlfriend allows it. He's having some control issues in the sense that she now controls his every move. If he comes over here and stays more than 10 minutes, she's calling and yelling and hanging up. *shrugs*

I think I'm going to have to do some work on my car soon. It's acting funny. Or I'm being paranoid, which is absolutely possible. I should get it looked at soon. 

My birthday is coming up on the 2nd of September. I have nothing planned at all and will most likely end up sitting here with Boots. Maybe I'll help him make a card for me and go out and let him pick out a cake. Luckily, I'm off on the 2nd and we're closed on the 3rd, so I get my birthday off to lounge around. 

I don't have much else to talk about....perhaps later. 

Hope you're all doing well. 

~Marlena.

I got hired for a job on Monday. I start at 10 am and will be mainly working part-time but it's a really busy type of place where it's kinda relaxed at the same time. They play my favorite radio station in the restuarant! I think it's gonna be cool once I get into the swing of things. :)

This weekend so far has been pretty lazy. Boots had been asking me all week when he'd be out of school and I kept telling him Friday. Wednesday-Friday he was begging me to let him stay out. I think he needs to start going to bed a little later. Maybe 8 instead of 9. I dunno. So all weekend we stayed in bed, played video games, played a few baodr games, and eventually went grocery shopping today. Took a nap after getting home and eating, and then played some more video games. Tomorrow we'll relax as well and prepare for the week coming up. 

I hope you all are having fabulous weekends. I'm off to bed.

So I went to the Dr today and my infection is gone. I was really glad to hear that and the Dr told me stories of how he'd tried to come examine me while in the hospital annd I'd been given Stadol and I wouldn't let him examine me. Hilarious. He told me to be safe with soft drinks, educated me on the proper way to wipe, and told me to never push my pee out forcefully, but to relax and let it flow. All great things. 

I had a job interview today but I won't say where because I don't want to jinx it. I asked for specific hours and was told that they desperately needed people around the hours I'd asked for so let's all cross our fingers that it works out. I'll basically be a kitchen drone. Nathan, Leigh, and Jeff, I listed you as references. I hope it was ok although they don't seem the type to check references. We'll see.

This afternoon was emotionally draining. I had a situation and ended up bawling my eyes out walking around the front yard on the phone. It all started at around 1:45 when I'd called my mom because she was wondering why she hadn't heard from me lately. I cried a bit while talking to her in the school parkinglot waiting on Boots. Then I was telling Boots about the day he was born and started crying again in the car. Then we got home, I unloaded the groceries, answered another phonecall and started crying again. I just get scared from time to time. It's hard on me sometimes and I often struggle with myself on certain issues. Everything is ok. I'm fine and full of ice cream. The world is good again. 

Boots has a cold and a raspy little voice. I snagged some Dimetapp while we were at Walmart and he seems to be feeling better although around his eyes looked a little pink. I took his temp and it was ok and asked him if he was alright and he told me he thought he was just a little tired. He's passed out now in fresh linens on my bed. 
I bought him a lava lamp today. It's blue with neon green lava. He loves it and it looks ultracool beside my monitor. I just gotta remember to not leave it on for so long. Supposedly you're not supposed to leave them on for more than 8 hours. I was thinking this would make a perfect night light (we both prefer light while sleeping) but sleep usually lasts more than 8 hours. Big fan of sleeping we are. 

Ah, oh well. I'm off to bed early. I didn't sleep much last night.

Nite.

I got this from my Taoism calendar in my room. I'd bought the calendar before Christmas and only based on the beautiful photography on each month 90% of the time black and white with Chinese writing and translations at the bottom of the page.  I was sitting here daydreaming, staring at the calendar, watching for time, and noticed the quote for this month:

Fame or self: Which matters more?
Self or wealth: Which is more precious?
Gain or loss: Which is more painful?

One who is attatched to things will suffer much. 
One who saves will suffer heavy loss. 
A contented person is never dissapointed. 
One who knows when to stop does not find herself in trouble. 
One will stay forever safe. 

Tao Te Ching, Chapter Forty-Four. 

It's Monday again. It seems like time flies by so fast sometimes. Just last week I was dropping Boots off for his first day of 2nd grade and now week 2 has rolled around and you can tell by walking through the halls that he's getting used to his routine, knows who is in what class, and is able to point out different teachers to me that he likes. They all seem to know him, even teachers that I have never met before. We walk through the halls in the morning and every one that we pass greets him and says good morning. Both principals know him by name and greet him and always tell me how sweet and caring he is towards other people. Stuff like this makes me feel like I'm at least doing something right. I have been anticipating when he'd walk to his class on his own, thinking that once he got used to his routine, he'd tell me he could walk on his own. Yet, this morning he asked me on the way to school if I'd be walking him to his class again this week and I said absolutely. I'm so afraid sometimes to let go of him, for him to grow up and see how the world really is. As it is now, he's a happy vibrant child who see's the world and life as happy. I'm so afraid of him to grow up, be hurt, or have to struggle at anything. I wish I could wrap him in a little blanket and keep him safe forever, but I know that sooner than later, my little boy will become independant and perhaps not need his mom so much and that really scares the hell out of me. 

This weekend went by so slowly. Boots went with his dad on Friday afternoon after school. I'd been sitting in the livingroom with Matt and John while their clothes dried and the Ex came walking in. He stayed a little while and then eventually left with an excited Boots, to go see his dads new house. Eventhough it shouldn't have, it really bothered me that Boots was excited to go see his dads big new house and to see his new room. Matt and John were certain that the Ex had been drinking when he showed up, but I wasn't entirely sure. I worried and wondered about it all weekend, but didn't want to accuse or cause problems so I left it alone. 

He's recently bought a house just a few streets over from us and it's fairly large. Larger and nicer than what we live in for sure. He seems happy with his new living arrangement, although on Sunday when he dropped Boots off, he told me he was irritated with his new live in girlfriend because she'd pretty much pulled a guilt trip on him and had forced him to move in her brother, his girlfriend, their baby, and her mother. He told me he was going to give them 30 days to help pay bills or get jobs (none of them work, with the exception of her) and then he was going to tell them all to leave. We'll see if this happens. The girlfriend (that is attached to the Ex) has had her kids taken away by DFACS because her soon-to-be ex husband (she's still married) is complaining that the kids had bruises on them. I stopped by last weekend and there were a slew of little hispanic kids running around the front yard and more than hlf of them were filthy, babies with buldging diapers, and stuff running down their legs. Perhaps I was being overly sensitive, but I can tell you that no matter what, Boots has always had on clean clothes, always been clean in appearance, and never came across as these kids looked to me. He'd called me on Saturday so I could talk to Booots and he was on his way to Linen and Things to buy new curtains and bedding for the new house with the girlfriend. Boots said that everyday his dad was buying something new for the house and even took Boots with the girlfriend to let her help Boots pick out new things for his room. Heartbreaking. Utterly and completely heartbreaking. I was laying in bed last night thinking about when Boots was really young and we never did stuff like that. Ever. We were always struggling badly and everything we ever had was bought or given to us by my family. Even when things were going well, it was a hassle to him to do anything other than get up out of the recliner and go do things and now he seems to be putting so much effort and participation into this whole deal. I don't get it and guess that I really shouldn't worry about it. Because I don't love him anymore and can't turn back time, it's just those little things that you find yourself thinking about from time to time. 

I spent most of my weekend in bed watching TV. My back and sides are sore and hurt from time to time and I'm peeing frequently. Everything looks ok, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the infection is still there. I just don't feel 100% at times. Then again, with everything going on (coupled with the whole being sick thing) it's easy for most things to not seem ok. 

Today I have a doctor's appointment to see if indeed the infection is still in my kidneys/bladder. It's at 1:30 someplace close to the jail in town. I'll have to leave early so I can find it since I've never been there before. 

Today is room cleaning, Doctor appointment, calling a few people about some jobs, and then picking Boots up. I have to get some supplies for his lunch (little bottled waters, chips,etc) afterwards so possibly shopping. Oh, and the cats need food too.  *sigh*

Have a great Monday everyone.

what does it mean to have a broken heart? I always used to assumed that it was that horrible aching pain that I felt in my chest after I'd lost someone I loved.

But after the hurt subsided, after the rough edges were numbed by time, I found another interpretation. I came to realize that my heart was still broken - broken in that it didn't work anymore. Of course it still pumps blood around my body with efficiency, often in spite of me, but I am talking about  the supposed romantic function of the heart. That which enables us to fall and to be in love. I don't seem to be able to do that anymore.

I've gone through a string of very short relationships because I found that once the initial novelty wore off ( usually at about the 2 week mark) I find that I feel nothing. Sometimes it seems like I am dead inside. I seem to be incapable of feeling anything other than a mild affection. Many times I am often more interested on the things going on around me than the person I am spending time with. I just linger there. Broken. All broken.

I am hoping that in time, this empty broken feeling will fix itself. That maybe I'll meet someone who will fill this hole I have and make me feel full again. Refreshed, alive, and intrigued. But if it heals this time, will it heal the next time and the next? Surely you can trash something only so many times before it breaks for good. 

I think this is what I've been afraid of all along.

Look for me when I am gone. You will know me by the blue of the paint on my skin and the crimson of blood in my ash. You will know my look for the loss, black and holy on my brow and fingers, streaked, smearing stains against deep-set charcoal eyes that will never forget.

I will look for you when I am gone, and whereas you will never find me here, I will uncover you in every dream. Hiding one more flight of stairs away, higher and lighter in the distance, I will look for you like a ghost. I will look for you in all of the crevices of thought and push you out. I will.

I will look for you in all of the places I will go and see you behind the shadow of a man who wears your haircut, or who never has a jacket in the rain. I will see you in between the drops of rain. I will look for you beside broken panes of glass on winter days cut by wind, and though I look away, the next time I am peering back there you will once again be there, hidden in dust and smoke and the pain of all of these years spent, lost, without ever finding - caught in rainbows.

We came to this place seeking the same thing. 

You will not remember me at all.

Look for me between the pages of the journal I keep that I will never show to you, where I have kept alive every strange moment I have chosen no longer to dwell on -- every thought of you and of how much I would have loved to love you if I could. You will never be who I thought you might, my dear. Look for me and you will know me. You will see me as the one before you dressed in an infinite dream of return; you will see me in a painting, behind your window, below the stair. Look for me and you will know me. You will know me by those colors, deep and bold, of the heart you never knew.

Look for me when I am gone: You will know me because I will be looking for you.

I woke up sometime after 6 wide awake. I dozed off and on, but eventually got up at 6:30. I made Boots a sausage,egg, and cheese biscuit and woke him up at around 6:45. He was so excited to get up and get dressed. We stood in the bathroom brushing our teeth and he wanted some gel in his hair. I fixed his hair, we finished getting dressed, and we headed out of the house around 7:25. I got all the way to the school (5 minutes away) and realized that I'd left his lunchbox in the fridge. So we turned around and I came flying in the house and grabbed it. Made it at 7:40 and I walked him to his class. 

My Boots is getting so big. I can't believe that he's already in 2nd grade. He wanted to unpack his bookbag on his own and gave me a hug and when I walked out he was raising his hand and answering questions that his teacher was asking. I miss him already. 

On the way to school the second time, Boots was asking me if I thought his dad knew it was the first day of school. I told him I was sure that he knew, but wasn't sure. I called him after I dropped Boots off and he seemed bothered by the fact that I'd called him to remind him it was the first day of school. I'd woken his girlfriend and the baby up. On the way back home I started to feel really sad for Boots because he was thinking of his dad and wondering if his dad was going to call and he seemed like he could have really cared less. 

I'll attempt to clean our rooms up a bit this morning and then later go put in some applications for work. 

Wish me luck.

Things have leveled out since leaving the hospital. I feel 100% and have been going on as if nothing was wrong. I haven't had any soda yet, but really haven't craved any. Lots of ice water and a half a glass of lemonade yesterday. 

Boots and I went to his orientation today to see his new classroom and to meet his new teacher. His regular teacher won't ben in for a week because her son is having a tumor removed from his brain. Scary stuff. The Sub that was there knew Boots and was really excited to know that Boots was gonna be in her class. She said he was a pure joy, very helpful and sweet, and very bright and animated. That's my Boots. :)

We did a few more things this afternoon, but for the most part have been home relaxing. 

Boots is very excited to start school. I am too, because I want to get out and get a job for the school year. 

That's all for now. I have a fried egg sandwich waiting. :)

~Me.

I left here Friday and went to the ER. I'd started being sick on Tuesday and from Tues-Fri, it was spent laying in bed, fighting chills, fever, extreme muscle ache, and migraine. Nothing was helping to ease it for any long period of time and it seemed to be getting much worse. 

I got to the ER and was immediately seen. I was admitted after some blood tests and urine tests with a severe kidney infection and a fever of 102. Seems I'd gotten a bladder infection sometime back (I'm prone to them) and it had hidden and silently progressed to my kidneys. My left side was killing me the worst. 

The first 2 days I don't remember much. I had visitors during those times, but you can ask them, I was really out of it from pain medication. From Friday to Sunday, my fever dipped at the lowest to 99 and the highest to 103. I kept a constant migraine and knew when my fever was spiking back up because my eyeballs would start to burtn and my head would ache badly. Finally early Monday morning around 5am, I was sitting in my bed crying because of frustration and I started feeling really lightheaded. My hands and feet got puffy and within 15-20 minutes of them swelling, I began to pour sweat. It was rolling everywhere. I was changed and put into bed and when I woke up 2 hours later, they were checking my temperature and it was where it should be within 1-2 degrees. It continued to stay down, only popping back up to 100 once again, and remained normal. I had dye tests run on my kidneys and bladder and there seems to be no abnormalities and blockages.

Because of the pain that the infection caused, I am still very sore and my insides are still delicate. I am continuing a semi-liquid diet that I was on, consisting of Chicken Noodle Soup, fruit cups, pudding, scrambled eggs, and apple(yuck)/orange juice and slowly easing myself back up to a more solid selection. They would (and wanted to) do this for me at the hospital, but I wanted to go home. I had a noisy roomate, they couldnt move me because the floor was full, and I missed being home. I had become very emotional from lack of sleep so they thought it best that I come back home and rest. I've got a follow-up in one week with my Dr. 

If you were able to come and see me, I want you to let you know that it really brightened my day up tremendously. More than you'll ever know. I was really really scared several times. 

I'm off to sleep. I start meds in the morning. 

~Me.

I woke up this morning feeling tired and sore. I remember tossing and turning all night and wondered how much sleep I got. I got up and wandered around the house and noticed that I felt really stiff and sore. So I went into the bathroom and ran some bath water and soaked for an hour or so. Boots had woken up by then, so I got out and got dressed. I know know what happened but I started to feel really bad. My head began to ache, my back and midsection was just horrible with pain, and I ran a temp and couldnt get warm at all. I told Boots I wasn't feeling very good (I felt like I was about to pass out) and laid back down in the bed. After 2 hours of shaking under the blanket, I dozed off. 

I've just gotten up and I feel horrible. My body aches, my head is pounding, I still have a fever, and my skin is cold and feels prickly in a sensitive kinda way. Even my face hurts. When I stand up I'm dizzy and I can't seem to focus my eyes very well. I really feel bad. I just don't know what caused it. I started feeling lighthead and woozy last night, so it must have been something over night that brought it on. 

I feel like I have to throw up. 

I'm gonna take some Tylenol and lay down.

Sometimes life brings so much damned pressure. Pressure to be as society wants you to be, pressure to fullfill their expectations, pressure to fullfill your own expectations of yourself. What are we working towards in general? Happiness? The illusion of happiness? I fully agree that true, untapped happiness exists. I see it everytime that I look into my sons eyes. I see it everytime Bay looks at Nick. I see it in the eyes of people who are tasting it and living it and are running over at the brim. It makes me feel good inside to see these things. It gives me hope that maybe the world isn't as tough as I want it to appear or that I make it out to be. Happiness to me is waking up to Tinkerbell purring on my pillow, or seeing Boots get all excited about something and sharing that excitement with him. It's the little things that bring me happiness. Comforting, fleeting little things passing through my life like subtle winds that blow delicately and then are gone again, only you know they were there because the goosebumps are still on your skin. 

Define love to me. Is it  never wanting to be apart from the ones you care about? It is never wanting to see someone suffering or hurt? Or maybe it's just sheer concern. I have loved a great deal in this life that I've lead. Some of it has been unreturned and some of it has been thrown away, but you know what? I felt it. It was real and I hold onto those things because it's the only real thing that I've felt in my life that consumed me in a way that I could barely breathe. I am only human. Hell, we all are. We think, we feel, we act, it's all human nature. Is it so wrong to feel so deeply about someone or something that you feel like you are going to explode? Why compress that? I hide behind walls way too much in my life. I don't let people in because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of putting so much into something only to be let down. There are times when I think that my heart can't take anymore breaking and hurt.  I get tired of it all sometimes. There's a song that I like that starts off saying "She says sometimes she feels like shit, sometimes she wants to quit, and just be normal for a bit". So many of my days start off with me feeling that way. I can't help it. I just get tired of all of the struggling and want life to be kind to me every once in a while. I don't think I'm wrong in saying that most of us wants the same thing. Some just find it easier than others. 

I realize that the world isn't as you see it, but only as you make it. But sometimes I get scared that it's making me. Making me into this quiet monster who can't say what she wants for fear of what others will think, can't feel how she wants to feel because someone will think it's wrong, and can't act because it's not in your flow of things. I am me. That's all that I am and will be. And if you don't like it, then throw it all away. Turn your nose up and think what you will about me. Because you know what? You're fucking missing out. I said it. Turn your nose up at that. I dare you. We only have one shot at this life. Why spend it worrying all the time about how other people are going to take you? Why spend it being miserable because there have been a few bad apples that have left a bad taste in your mouth? Did you die? No, you're still alive and kicking and existing. You still feel and love and think and breathe. 

I have so much pent up energy inside of me somtimes from hiding and shying away that I believe if I ever fully open my wings and decide to fly that I'll never come back down to the ground again. But there's always that fear of hitting the ground again, skidding in sideways, broken, bruised, and hurt. I shouldn't care about that, but I do. I care about it a whole helluva lot. 

Does it always have to be so hard to let go? Maybe I've been clinging onto everything so long that it feels familiar to me. Maybe deep down, my sadistic side likes it. It feels good to me, because it's all I've been taught and known. 

Maybe I'm just a little confused by it all.


~Everyday I wake up and ask for strength. Not to be stronger or better than anyone else, only to be strong enough that when the time comes, I can defeat my enemies and my strongest fears. Often I am one and the same." 

~Me.